[[dull boy]]

two hundred & fifty-four.

2010-04-10T21:51:00.003-05:00

I just found the cutest picture in existance of Mitchell and me, right after he got his hair cut, when we went up north to his mom's parent's house, and now I'm smiling so goddamn big, &

it's just about breaking my heart to realize that he's probably not going to smile when he sees it.

two hundred & fifty-three.

2010-03-17T21:22:00.002-05:00

I (don't) want him.

I (want to) hate him.

two hundred & fifty-two.

2010-03-10T21:20:00.001-06:00

People keep asking me if I'm still going out with Mitch. I keep not knowing what to say. Well, I know I should say that we're not together anymore, but I don't want to.

I still believe that he loves me. Maybe I shouldn't. But I do.

two hundred & fifty-one.

2010-02-09T20:04:00.002-06:00

Sometimes things just don't work out the way I want them to. What am I talking about? Things never work out the way I intended.

I don't know why I even try sometimes.

two hundred & fifty.

2010-01-07T18:09:00.002-06:00

Mitch isn't talking to me, I don't get to see Cassi tomorrow night, I have NOSB closely followed by volleyball, I need a shower but I'm afraid of the cold, and I'm avoiding my homework like the plague. I'm too lazy to wash the dishes so I can make something for myself to eat, I'm too bored to find something to do, I'm too cold to think about anything else.

I wanted to go to Mitch's house tonight but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Not the way it's been going. What's the point? It's already past six and I've been trying to get him to ask me to come over for two hours.

Sometimes I just want to scream at him.

two hundred & forty-nine.

2010-01-01T23:44:00.002-06:00

I don't want it to be 2010. I would give anything to turn back the clock. Where did the time go? Am I really with Mitch and not with Devon? And what the hell happened to my friends? Why didn't anyone call me all holiday and ask me to hang out?

...I think everyone hates me now. Maybe I am a whore. Maybe I do suck at everything. Maybe I deserve being snubbed. (I don't really believe that. They're my friends. Shouldn't they put me first?)

I'm fighting my way through life... trying to convince myself that I don't need to go back to bad habbits to keep myself breathing. But it's so hard. It's so hard fighting for this all by myself...

Is there anybody out there? Is there anyone that still cares?

two hundred & fourty eight.

2009-12-01T21:15:00.002-06:00

I don't think I've ever told anyone, but my brother being in the Navy scares the shit out of me. I cry myself to sleep, scared that I'm going to lose my brother/best friend. And he's not even in danger yet... he's just in ROTC at college.

I love him so much. I don't know what I'd do without him.

When Logan Jacobson died right before school started this year and I saw his brother Austin on the first day of school, I couldn't imagine the pain he was feeling, having just lost his brother. I couldn't even begin to imagine how the hell he was getting through it.

I don't want to have to do that.

I love my brother, and I'm scared for his life. I don't know if he knows it, but he's my best friend, and I don't ever want to lose him. I'm not always super open with him, and I don't know if he knows what he means to me and how much I trust him.

[I have trust issues. I don't know if he knows that.]

I love my brother. I just wish that I didn't have to worry about him like this. I'm so proud of him, and I'm so happy for him. But I'm so, so selfishly scared.

two hundred & forty-seven.

2009-10-29T20:32:00.004-05:00

Devon & I are over.

Done.

Through.

No longer Devon & I.

What now?

I don't know.

Mitch & I?

No.

We are not a "couple."

...But I'm not saying we're
"just friends"

either.

It's like dividing by zero:

it's completely
undefined.

two hundred & forty six.

2009-10-20T22:22:00.002-05:00

Anyone
but
her
and I wouldn't care.

But no,
he had to choose her,
the one that made my life
hell
to be
"just friends."

Fuck.
Him.

&
Fuck
the stupid
fucking
cunt-
licking
little
whore.

two hundred & forty-five.

2009-09-25T21:42:00.001-05:00

As a guy I know where he's coming from, its not that your afraid the girl won't want it again, but you just wanna make it perfect for her you just have to.

-

I never knew Mitch Smetana could be such an insightful guy...

(Why did I tell him all my secrets in one night?)

two hundred & forty-four.

2009-09-23T19:07:00.000-05:00

I GOT HIS NUMBER!!!

HE'S TEXTING ME!!!

two hundred & forty-three.

2009-09-23T19:04:00.001-05:00

When a boy comments on your facebook obsessively and then has an epic comment conversation with you, does that mean he likes you?

two hundred & forty-two.

2009-09-21T18:38:00.001-05:00

I am finally done with my reign as Princess. I am so happy.

(And I am so infatuated. The boy is always in my head, I can't stop thinking about him. Oh my god. I want him.)

two hundred & forty-one.

2009-09-10T21:51:00.001-05:00

I cried the entire way home after I walked out tonight.

Does he know? Of course not.

two hundred & forty.

2009-09-07T21:28:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, school.

What a wonderful place to waste a mind.

two hundred & thirty nine.

2009-08-01T23:21:00.002-05:00

I suppose that most people think I'm irrationally angry, but what do I even care anymore? All three of them are together, without me, consciously choosing to leave me out, leave me behind, and they probably think that I'm stupid and that I don't know. Well, I do.

The same old anthem rings true--
the ones that you love the most
are the ones that will hurt you the most.

So here's to the three bitches that built me up just to break my heart:
fuck all three of you.

two hundred & thirty eight.

2009-07-03T21:52:00.001-05:00

This is the second year in a row that I haven't been home for the fourth of July. I want to be home for this stupid holiday. I want to hang out with Devon or my family and I want to see the fireworks this year. I always miss out on everything.

I want to stay home just another week. Then I can go.

But I guess if I stay home just one more week, then I miss out on the beginning of the five months of volleyball. I like volleyball. But not enough to weightlift and run every goddamn day for the next three months. I just want to play and have fun. Mrs. Meredith never made them do this shit... and look at what an amazing team she had.

I want to stay home period. I want to go to Washington DC with my family or with Devon. Not with 4-H. And I defenitely don't want to meet the senators.

two hundred & thirty seven.

2009-07-02T01:55:00.002-05:00

He doesn't even want me anymore.

I am so sick of crying over this ridiculous stupid relationship. Why do I even try?

two hundred & thirty six.

2009-07-01T00:23:00.002-05:00

I feel overwhelmingly lonely, even when I'm with him. I feel so out of touch. I feel like I can't reach him. We can't cuddle for more than five minutes. We can't do anything together. He's so afraid that someone will see, he won't do anything with me. If I'm bubbly and happy and excited, it doesn't last long, and I really don't care to explain much of why it happens. I just know it does.

two hundred & thirty five.

2009-06-26T03:38:00.002-05:00

I hoped that maybe he would still be there to say "I love you" to me just one last time, but he's not. He's already asleep, peaceful and calm, while I'm still laying over here... tossing and turning and crying. Crying so hard that the emptiness seems too much to cope with. I know it's less than twelve hours and I'll be with him. But it still seems like too much. I want to be with him now.

two hundred & thirty four.

2009-06-25T18:34:00.001-05:00

CHEESE AND CRACKERS

(hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I don't remember the exact incident but it was fucking hilarious)

MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD!!!

two hundred & thirty-three.

2009-05-17T21:55:00.003-05:00

I am at the end the line. I simply cannot deal with this anymore, this stupid drama, this completely unnecessary outlash of stupidity. Honestly, I'm done.

I am currently searching for online courses to take so that I don't have to deal with the monstrosity of school anymore. The only thing I'll miss about that fucking hellhole is sports--something I spend more time complaining about than actually enjoying anyway.

two hundred & thirty-two.

2009-05-10T00:00:00.001-05:00

The best thing about being sixteen and having my driver's license is going out with my buddies and hanging out somewhere ridiculous (Kwik Trip in this case) and doing stupid things (eating a carton of blue bunny ice cream on the sidewalk at 11:00 at night) and laughing our asses off.

two hundred & thirty-one.

2009-04-26T00:29:00.003-05:00

It's so hard to explain to him all the things that I feel. I try so hard so often and in the end, I still feel as blah and disorientated as before. Right now is the same. I feel like I connected with him last night, but tonight, the connection is already gone. I don't know where it always goes so fast, I just know that I wish I could hold onto it a little bit longer. I want him to be comfortable and happy with me. I want him to understand the way that I feel about things, but honestly, how am I supposed to explain to him why it bothers me when he takes his shirt off and then just puts it back on right away?

two hundred & thirty.

2009-04-15T22:45:00.003-05:00

What he doesn't realize:

I am sitting here, alone in my room, crying, wishing that I could actually tell him what's on my mind. But I know that if I do try to breach the subject, if I dare try to tell him what I'm thinking about, he'll just tell me again all the things he's said before. If I try to tell him how I feel about it, he'll block me out and pretend I'm not there. I'm a person too. I have feelings too. Everyone says it's so bad for me to keep everything all locked up, but then they turn around and tell me that they don't want to hear what I have to say or that my feelings are irrational. It's not fair to contradict everything I say instead of just listening to me for once.

If I tried to tell him (for the millionth time) that I feel like I don't have any friends, he'll just come back with "You have Keygan and Janelle." And then when I try to tell him that no one is ever there to listen, he'll go on about Keygan and Janelle and how they want to hear from me. AND THEN when I try to tell him how much it hurts me to even be near her, he'll have to tell me about how much she cares about me and how bad she misses me and all of the things he can't possibly think I'd believe (but he must because he keeps telling them to me).

This is just a stupid and endless circle. I don't have any friends, so I turn to Devon. I don't have anyone to talk to, so I try to tell Devon. I don't want to go to school because it hurts to breathe when I know she's there (and yes, I cry until I fall asleep most nights when I think about her), so I talk to Devon about it, and he turns me away telling me about how he wants me to be at school with him because he has such a horrible time without me--

leaving out the part about the week he spent in Italy, the e-mail he sent her, the e-mail she sent back, the entire week of me being alone and having no friends, how he promised me he'd do track with me, how he promised me it wouldn't all just be sex, all the other stupid promises he makes and then seems to forget about, oh, and that one part about how he's friends with all of them, but none of them want me.

two hundred & twenty-nine.

2009-04-11T01:27:00.001-05:00

And really, inside, I'm still screaming

please stay.

two hundred & twenty-eight.

2009-04-03T22:19:00.002-05:00

I don't feel pretty or anything anymore. I don't feel like getting up tomorrow morning and I don't feel like pretending to be pretty for an hour just to make someone else happy. I don't even want to work on the stupid project anymore. I don't see the point. I wouldn't at all if other people's grades weren't hanging on it. If no one else had to be part of this, I wouldn't even bother.

And didn't I ask him to please try to do this over a week ago? And didn't I specifically tell him that I really need him to do this? But I guess that doesn't really matter that much. But I guess as always it's me that did it wrong, me that wanted this to be sure so that my grade wouldn't suffer for it, it's a fault in my judgment that caused this.

Stupid me, asking my boyfriend to help me with my biology project and then expecting him to have the responsibility and initiative to actually try.

I'm really not that mad. I'm just upset that I told him so long ago that I needed him to do this for me (and then he said that he would be able to...) and he waited until today to ask his parents, and until today to ask his parents if he could stay with the rest of them. No, I'm really not mad at all. (I'm honestly not being sarcastic at all.) It just frustrates me that this is my grade for the class but he waits until now to ask his parents. He waits until the very last moment he possibly can to tell them that he wants to spend the night with me and my friends. So no, just fuck this, and forget I ever even tried. Life is easier that way.

Everything is easier that way.

two hundred & twenty-seven.

2009-04-03T14:05:00.002-05:00

And now more than ever, I am aware of the simple fact that I matter to no one and I am the least included person in the world.

They all went to her house tonight to hang out before track but none of them invited me. None of them even thought about asking me, no one ever brought me up, and no one ever will again.

I got a D on my ASL test and the only reason anyone else cares is because they did just as bad, too. No one really seems to care that I got 100 percent on my biology test... no one really cares about how hard I'm working on my biology project... no one wants to spend time with me... I think the only reason they're actually coming tomorrow night for my project is because they feel bad for me.

I hate this.

two hundred & twenty-six.

2009-04-01T21:42:00.002-05:00

The past two nights with Devon being home have been absolutely amazing. I would give anything, anything, to do that with him every night. I wish I could always feel so close to him and always feel so absolutely drawn to him. It's when we're alone that I think we love each other the most.

I love him so much, I'm so sure of it. This has been the most stable and rewarding relationship of my life. I don't know what I'd do without him. I love him, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

(Shhh, don't tell anyone, but I didn't shower tonight... =])

And isn't it odd that she's too good for me the entire week that he's gone, but as soon as he comes back, she has all kinds of conversation to make with me? (Isn't it a little disgusting that she only wants to talk about him?) Isn't it just frustrating that she promised him she'd be nice and conversational while he was away but it's like she's tryig to cover up for what she didn't do now that he's back?

two hundred & twenty-five.

2009-03-30T22:15:00.002-05:00

I honestly wish he'd just go back to Italy.

(It's easier to say "I want you to come home" than it is to actually want him to be home.)

two hundred and twenty-four.

2009-03-28T17:09:00.002-05:00

I'm sick of Devon being gone. It feels like Monday is still lightyears away from me. I really want to go to his house on Tuesday night (especially if he's not at school that day) and hang out. I love him so much, and I miss him almost more.

I'm so ored without him here with me. We should've been together today, but he's still in Italy seeing pretty landscapes and beautiful Italian women and eating the most delicious pasta in the entire world.

I want to be with him. It''s really all I have ever wanted... just to be with him and falling in love with him more deeply every second.

two hundred & twenty three.

2009-03-20T18:25:00.001-05:00

God, I miss Devon so much. I miss him like a fish misses water.

=[

I want to cry.

two hundred & twenty two.

2009-03-19T23:40:00.003-05:00

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't feel. I'm so alone, I'm so alone, I'm so alone--

Please, anyone, if there's anyone out there... please, please, someone, PLEASE, save me. I can't live like this. I'm afraid of this darkness and I'm so alone.

I want to cut, I want to bleed, I want to fucking die, this hurts so bad, I want out, I can't deal with this, please, someone, ANYONE, please, get me out of here.

Please. Please, someone, bring him back to me.

two hundred & twenty two.

2009-03-16T00:38:00.003-05:00

It's strange... I feel deflated, but ready to burst at the same time.

two hundred & twenty-one.

2009-02-24T20:51:00.002-06:00

I'm txting Johnny and it's making me happy.
=]]]]]]]]

two hundred & twenty.

2009-02-23T21:57:00.001-06:00

Yay. New skin. I love it.

two hundred & nineteen.

2009-02-23T21:28:00.000-06:00

I wonder if Devon read my last post yet? He hasn't said anything about it. I think he would've said something by now.

I really want to post the almost-final piece of "Sixteen" but I can't because FP won't let me log in or submit. =[ Stupid thing gliches once or twice a week.

Until next time.

two hundred & eighteen.

2009-02-15T22:09:00.001-06:00

メイン消滅するしてください

two hundred & seventeen.

2009-02-15T21:58:00.001-06:00

Is it wierd that I'm really sad that I don't get to go on dates like the other girls I know--get excited because over the first date and the friend meeting and the movie watching?

I really wish I could.

two hundred & sixteen.

2009-02-11T18:13:00.002-06:00

Today just keeps getting better, and better, and better. =]]]]

two hundred & fifteen.

2009-01-31T23:29:00.003-06:00

I'm in such a writing mode right now, although the things that I've been thinking about all day still haven't made it to a word document, which I must say is odd. Then again, I'm probably avoiding thinking about yesterday night for a reason.

Oh, I wish Cassi could fix all my problems for me, but she couldn't even begin to fix the only real one I have: Cassie.

two hundred & fourteen.

2009-01-31T00:03:00.000-06:00

The email that I sent to Cassi and Devon:

Okay, I'm sending this to both of you so that I don't have to type it twice.

Well, I got home just fine, nothing wrong, and in one piece. I was baking the car into the shed, I didn't realize I was too close to the door, and I caught the front end--where it was already broken up a little bit--on the shed door. I was only going like five or so miles an hour, but still, it ripped more, and I think it broke the light pretty well. I think Dad is going to be pissed. I'm feeling a little sick.

I'm sorry Devon. This probably means we're definitely not haning out tomorrow. Next weekend.. maybe. Or the weekend after.

I'm sorry Cassi. I won't be able to go hang out on Sunday, either. It was nice to be with you tonight though.

I'm ready to face the consequences--Dad and Mom being mad and me not going anywhere soon and paying and stuff--but I'm afraid of how mad they're going to be. I feel so horrible and so stupid and so irresponsible. Oh god I feel like shit. I still feel good about being able to hang out with both of you again tonight but I still feel shitty because of everything that happened in like a two second space of time. God, I feel like an idiot.

I think I need to stop ranting. I feel nauseus.

two hundred & thirteen.

2009-01-14T07:39:00.000-06:00

Review Reply to owl3y3s

Mm. I dunno what okay really is, anymore.

I feel like I should give up caring about people, because no matter what, it's like they never care back.

Keygan's a really good friend, but she's not the kind to cry around. I love her, but I don't want
her to see that.

And the other one, well, she's the same one as always. Cassie. I think I must hate her, otherwise I don't think I'd wish she'd just fucking die.

So sure, I guess I'm okay. But I don't really think so.

-stix-

two hundred & twelve.

2009-01-13T21:53:00.001-06:00

She talked to me again today, for the first time in who knows how long. I wanted to give her a piece of my cookie, like we used to always share... and I felt stupid even trying when she refused my offer with that look in her eye. That "I'm better than you, you fucking scum" look. Yeah, that look that she pretty much always gives me.

When she actually feels like looking at me.

two hundred & eleven.

2009-01-07T15:56:00.001-06:00

I got my fuckin license today!!! YAY! =]

two hundred & ten.

2009-01-03T23:32:00.002-06:00

it wouldn't keep the real formatting; i don't have the patience to redo it. go to fictionpress to get the full experience. i haven't chosen a title for it yet, but i'm sure it'll be easy to find.

---

the pleasure, the terror,
& the absolute excitement
were not enough to keep
my mouth shut
to the outside world.

how could he?
how did he dare?
what did he think he’d achieve
by his disgusting stunt?
despicable.
fuck him.
fuck him like he

(wanted to)
(tried to)
(fucking tore it from me)

fucked me.

two hundred & nine.

2008-12-22T22:50:00.001-06:00

Mom says I can't hang out with Richard on Friday.

I say fuck you.

two hundred & eight.

2008-12-21T21:53:00.002-06:00

Richard is home, and I think we're gonna hang out. That's good, I haven't seen him in so long. For the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about calling him, but haven't. I guess I've been afraid that he really just wanted to cut the connection and not see me anymore--we haven't talked since like August--but here is, home again. I think I've missed him.

two hundred & seven.

2008-12-21T21:53:00.000-06:00

two hundred & five.

2008-12-20T01:21:00.003-06:00

I'll just pretend that there's nothing wrong, that I'm not crying, and that I can breathe if it makes you feel better.

two hundred & four.

2008-12-20T01:16:00.001-06:00

I've cried for almost an hour over so many stupid things and yet I feel even worse than I did before, because of course, I thought maybe I should talk to someone about how I feel, but instead of just... I dunno... doing whatever I would guess a "listener" type of person would do, he threw it back at me, told me I was wrong, and complained about how I don't acknowledge all the things he does for me. Thanks for listening, Devon. I'm so glad I have you.

two hundred & three.

2008-12-20T00:31:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that for my birthday, my sixteenth birthday, no less, my parents basically did nothing. No card, really not even a real present. I can't complain because they're paying for me to see Slipknot with Devon and his dad but ...I just feel so put out. Maybe part of it is the fact that I already knew what they were "getting" me. They told me weeks and weeks ago. And then they didn't even get me something else, not even a card or anything, not something small, I'm surprised my mom went through the trouble to get me a cake. Maybe I shouldn't go through so much trouble to pull it apart but I want to feel like I matter to someone.

But no one cares about me, or my birthday, or anything. They never have.

two hundred & two.

2008-12-15T19:05:00.001-06:00

Fuck this shit.

two hundred & one.

2008-12-11T21:46:00.001-06:00

This.

Fucking.

Sucks.

two hundred.

2008-12-04T16:24:00.001-06:00

I'm so happy. =]

one hundred & nintey nine.

2008-12-03T15:57:00.001-06:00

51 days to SLIPKNOT

one hundred & ninety eight.

2008-11-28T22:04:00.003-06:00

I have just realized now exactly how much of Devon I take for granted. I got home from being with him all day just a few hours ago... and I was wandering around the kitchen just thinking about it. I want to be with him right now. I want to be near him. I want to be on his couch, on his bed, on the hay bales outside, I don't even care. I just want to be wherever he is.

I wish I could've stayed and put the ornaments on the tree with him. It's like as soon as something really cool with his family starts happening, it ends up being really late and I have to come home. I love being with him and his mom makes me laugh really hard.

I feel kind of bad though because he went out to feed the dog or whatever, and I was talking to his mom. I put on my coat and everything and I was going to go out with him, but I got caught up in the conversation. He waited outside for me to surprise me for like ten minutes before he realized that I wasn't going to come out with him. =[

I love him more than anything in this world, and there's nothing that will ever change that. The time I spend with him I take for granted while I'm with him, but as soon as we're apart, I'm hating it. Even being with him but not being able to hold his hand or sit on his lap is tough for me. I live to hold his hand.

& I want to hold his hand forever.

one hundred & ninety seven.

2008-11-25T23:29:00.002-06:00

I'm obsessed with her. I'm calling out in every language I know trying to bring her back to me, but every attempt falls upon deaf ears, blind eyes, and lifeless facial features. What does it take to get someone to care? What does it take get someone to want to communicate?

She told me she'd get bored in study hall and e-mail me. But she still hasn't. I'm jealous of everyone else she talks to and all the people she writes notes to, the way she holds his hand and looks over his shoulder sometimes, and I'm obsessed with how she tips her head downwards every time she has to say good-bye to him and go to a different class. I'm jealous of everyone else that has classes with her and I hate seeing them smiling and laughing with her.

I hate how she doesn't see me and how she doesn't talk to me. I hate how she brushes past me and doesn't say a word, and she never looks me in the eye.

And she got her braces off a week ago, and I hate that too.

one hundred & nintey six.

2008-10-31T16:01:00.003-05:00

I could cry right now, and all just because she didn't sit by us at lunch. She doesn't really say much when she sits with us and I find out more about her from gossip in third hour than I do from her. But isn't it odd how someone that doesn't even give a fuck about me can still ruin my entire day just because she won't sit by us at lunch?

[[and honestly. all i ever wanted was for her to think i was pretty, and smart, and special. but she never did.]]

one hundred & nintey five.

2008-10-29T22:03:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I hate it when people call me STIX because it reminds me of her.

And other times... it doesn't bother me at all, and I can pretend that she isn't on my mind.

one hundred & ninety four.

2008-10-26T21:14:00.001-05:00

I should take a shower...

one hundred & ninety three.

2008-10-21T21:36:00.003-05:00

I haven't talked to a single real "friend" from my high school about anything that's bothering me for weeks. Instead, I've been pouring my heart out to complete strangers, people I've never even met, hoping that somewhere out there on the World Wide Web, there's someone that cares about me.

one hundred & ninety two.

2008-10-12T00:26:00.001-05:00

Oh my giddy god.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is so hot.

one hundred & ninety two.

2008-10-09T17:44:00.004-05:00

I don't think he realizes that he doesn't need to "show" me anything, and that when I say he doesn't touch me at all, I literally mean that he doesn't. He won't reach for my hand in the hallway anymore and he won't put his hand on my arm or leg at lunch when we're sitting outside.

He keeps making me out to be a slut. Which I'm sure he doesn't mean to do. But he does.

one hundred & ninety.

2008-10-05T13:25:00.001-05:00

I just talked to John for like half an hour. =]

one hundred & eighty nine.--Caitlin Will Die

2008-10-03T22:31:00.003-05:00

I should actually be doing something, but I'm having too much fun just soaking in the August Rush soundtrack that I finally realized Casi gave to me, and trying to think of something good for poetry that is begging to be written.

I want to write about how I felt when I found out that one of my favorite poets has cancer... but she's dying, refusing treatment, because her best friend is refusing to come out to be with her and help her through it. It's horrifically sad. She's going to die. I don't know how long it'll be, but I'm... I don't know. It drags me down to know that someone would go through so much, just to prove her love and adoration of someone.

Someone that faked his own death so that he wouldn't have to be with her, and that won't come around to make sure that she's okay. What kind of friend is that? He didn't just walk out on her, he tried to fake his death to make her think that he wasn't there anymore. What a fucking asswipe.

And I guess it's none of my business really but why would she let herself die over someone who appears not to even care either way? That seems to be trying to just shove her out of his life--his life that isn't threatened by cancer, that isn't plagued with physical pain every day--unless she cares so much that she must prove his life is worth more.

It's an inner battle. It's like reading a book, and not wanting either one to die, but knowing someone has to. But it's not a book, it's real life.

And Caitlin's going to die.

one hundred & eighty eight.

2008-10-01T18:03:00.002-05:00

I just feel like giving up.

one hundred & eighty seven.

2008-09-28T21:40:00.002-05:00

I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm alone.

How typical.

one hundred & eighty six.

2008-09-27T23:41:00.000-05:00

I want to change the skin on this blog but I don't want to spend all the time to find all the codes.

one hundred & eighty five.

2008-09-24T21:32:00.002-05:00

God, I just want to fucking go to sleep and not wake up for like eight days. And when I wake up, it would be really great if things went my way for a change, you know?

one hundred & eighty four.

2008-09-22T17:42:00.002-05:00

& she lost.

one hundred & eighty three.

2008-09-20T22:27:00.004-05:00

onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday onemoreday

one hundred & eighty two.

2008-09-10T22:25:00.001-05:00

Well, I really can't fucking believe that he is so good at ignoring me. He doesn't say a fucking word to me, lets me boil, lets me cry, acts like I'm not there because for some reason, that must make him believe that I'm just fucking fine.

Well, I'm not.

one hundred & eighty one.

2008-09-07T21:40:00.001-05:00

stix loves her devon. <333

one hundred & eighty.

2008-09-06T23:46:00.003-05:00

I'm tired, but it's the weekend and I want to stay up late. I have to get up and go to mass in the morning, but maybe, just maybe, if I'm tired enough when I go to Devon's, I'll fall asleep on his chest. But just maybe.

one hundred & seventy nine.

2008-09-02T11:19:00.002-05:00

It's only twenty after eleven in the morning and already, I've got all my shit done.

Wow. That's productivity.

one hundred & seventy eight.

2008-09-01T23:19:00.001-05:00

Tina sees me for what I am...

Why can't my own mother?

one hundred & seventy seven.

2008-08-28T23:10:00.002-05:00

Well... I'm thinking I was having more fun today taking stats and playing pepper with Shanna (she didn't have a partner for warm-up) than I would have if I could've been playing. Then again... if I was able to play, I'd bet you anything I'd be on JV.

It's unbelievable that I can keep up with Shanna playing pepper, wearing jeans and street shoes, lacking in the knee-pad department MAJORLY...

and I'm still stuck on C.

one hundred & seventy six.

2008-08-27T23:09:00.002-05:00

I want to tell her something, but I don't know how she'd take it. Maybe she'd think it was a joke; it's really not. Or maybe she wouldn't, and she'd think, I don't know, something irrational.

I don't know anymore, I'm just afraid of saying something I shouldn't.

one hundred & seventy five.

2008-08-22T20:32:00.002-05:00

I think it's a bit strange that no matter how hard I try to keep certain things out of my mind, they just keep coming back to haunt me...

Best friends.
Seventh grade.
Ex-boyfriends.
Stupid little things.
Banana trees.
Sweatshirts and track meets.
Pot. Drinking. Party schools in general.
August the seventeenth.
Big brothers.
Lack of sisters.
No trust. Too much trust.
General dislike of spiders.
Red slushies.
Palm trees.
Last summer.
Friends... Friends... Friends...
Internet access.
ASL test.
Art. Painting. Blah, blah, blah.

IT'S ALL TOO FUCKING MUCH.

one hundred & seventy four.

2008-08-22T16:29:00.003-05:00

I went back to the Quarter today after seeing the Stennis Space Center in Mississippi. We walked around and saw a few of the shops but all of them on Bourbon Street are the same. They have all the same t-shirts and prices so there wasn't much to see there, but then again we didn't really get out to the other streets, either.

When we got back into the car, it was 106 degrees, and a few minutes later when we looked at the thermometer again, it said 111. Fahrenheit. It was fucking hot today, to say the least.

I think I might go swimming again tonight, even though the pool here is absolutely atrocious. The Gulf yesterday was beautiful. Mom took a lot of pictures of me while I was sitting out in the water. It must've been leveled off because I walked about a hundred feet out and the water was a constant level--just below my knees--so I just sat down on the sandy bottom. =]

I love it here. I don't want to come home just yet... It's really something to get used to. They're all very hospitible and everyone is interested in how our stay's going. The waiters in the restaurants are the best, though.

I can't believe we're leaving tomorrow. I'm going to miss the palm trees.

I got something for Devon today... but I'm not telling. =]

one hundred & seventy three.

2008-08-20T14:09:00.002-05:00

Good luck to Janelle who is taking her license test tomorrow. =]

Other than that, I'm still in New Orleans, I'll be back on Sunday night or Monday morning, I'm having a nice time with my family, and I'll see you all soon.

Love always.

one hundred & seventy two.

2008-08-19T10:33:00.001-05:00

In New Orleans right now. =]

one hundred & seventy one.

2008-08-15T21:55:00.003-05:00

Well... we're leaving for New Orleans tomorrow. To be absolutely clearly honest, I don't want to go, but I guess it's better than going to twice-a-day volleyball practices all of this week. Then again, I don't think I'll make JV unless she really, really doesn't like the incoming freshman (fuck I hope so). Oh whatever.

We went out to dinner tonight (my brothers and I) and our waitress (Ani) at Pizza Hut happened to know Mr. Mike Jaugusch really well. I was like ...damn, I miss that guy. I wish he'd come back and teach here. =[

I don't want to go to Louisiana. It sounds depressing.

one hundred & seventy.

2008-08-14T23:12:00.001-05:00

Well, I don't remember what I was going to say.

one hundred & sixty nine.

2008-08-13T01:23:00.002-05:00

[no sexual jokes now, people.]

Kay. So. Things are coming down to the point where I'm so excited that I'm doing this that I can't wait to tell people. Well, a lot of people already know. A lot. Just not... not my people, persay.

Well, it's going to come a lot faster than I think we all expect. It's going to be a lot of fun. I can't wait to tell everyone. I have two of my three sponsors, I should be getting the other stuff I need soon, and then I'll be in.

So what if it's just me?

[is it sad that the only person i could really imagine ever asking to do this with me... she hasn't talked to me since july so i pretty much refuse to even mention it to her until it becomes absolutely necessary?]

one hundred & sixty eight.

2008-08-10T00:12:00.005-05:00

So I bought a new "EP4" (Pets) for my Sims 2...

...And the [fucking son of a bitch] seller that happened to sell this product must be selling them illegally, because how the fuck else do you get "HHS"

WHERE EP4_2 SHOULD BE ON THE DISC THAT IS CLEARLY LABLELED "THE SIMS 2 PETS DISC 2"?

[[HHS: Happy Holiday Stuff]]

I can't fucking believe this, I just bought an illegal copy of a game, and the fuckwad that sold it to me didn't even burn the right files on the disc! What a retard!!!

God I'm so fucking pissed now. Because now I have to pay more to send it BACK to the idiot, and then AGAIN to get the right thing from someone else that doesn't sell illegal games. Fuck I can't believe this.

Oh, and, there's no way this is a fuck up by Maxis/EA Games. Happy Holiday Stuff came out after Pets.

one hundred & sixty seven.

2008-08-08T21:26:00.002-05:00

Well... I'm supposed to be going to the fair tomorrow with Devon, at least that's what I want to do, but I don't know what's really going to be happening with that.

I'm gonna go review and stuff on FP... from there, I don't know. I think just watch some Comedy Central Presents or something. The TV is currently on the Vikings - Seahawks game, but it's only got six and a half minutes left in the fourth quarter and things aren't looking so good for the Vikings.

Oh well.

one hundred & sixty six.

2008-08-06T22:58:00.002-05:00

Why is it always the nights that I actually want to talk to him that he can't come on early?!?

one hundred & sixty five.

2008-08-06T21:58:00.002-05:00

Yay, I'm happy. =]

I just bought Sims 2 Pets. Wootwoot. It'll take like two weeks for it to get here... but I guess that's okay. (Shit, I'll be in New Orleans in two weeks. =[ )

I'm not playing in a tournement on Saturday. I actually kind of wanted to do this one because it was in the afternoon, relatively close to home, and would give me an opportunity to kind of make up for the fact that I'm missing the first week of practice. But whatever, fuck it. I'll be on C either way.

one hundred & sixty four.

2008-08-06T14:18:00.001-05:00

I guess I have to call him.

Even though I don't want to talk to him.

one hundred & sixty three.

2008-08-06T12:19:00.001-05:00

Maybe I should just stop assuming intelligence upon people. I mean, we do live in a rather stupid world and it's an epidemic that is quickly infecting everyone around you--even your loved ones that you'd never expect to be caught in it.

Honestly, come on. What a fucking idiot.

one hundred & sixty two.

2008-08-06T02:16:00.002-05:00

The future can't come fast enough. Are you sure it's only been a year? Because it feels like it's been forever, and yet, like it all started just a few days ago...

I love him. I know it. Nothing has ever been so clear to me. That's all that matters to me anymore. I love him. It's all that keeps me going, it's how I fall asleep, it's why I wake up. I love him.

I love you, Devon.

one hundred & sixty one.

2008-08-06T01:02:00.002-05:00

So Devon just kind of left like an hour ago... I don't know where the hell he went or why he didn't come back or anything, and honestly it kind of pisses me off because if his MSN doesn't work, why doesn't he just e-mail me? Or myspace me? What the fuck? He could send a message through FP but I guess he probably didn't think of that one either.

So I've pretty much just been sitting here for an hour, all alone, cold, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life.

Goodnight. I should be asleep.

You know what? I think I'll reformat my iPod first. Even though this means hours of reloading pictures and I'm going to lose one of my favorite Slipknot songs (somehow, Devon didn't put that one on the CD he made for me with all the Slipknot tracks...), I guess it'll be better than having wasted $5 on a game that doesn't work on my iPod.

I'll be here another half hour or so--just long enough to get all my tunes and notes back on--but other than that, goodnight.

one hundred & sixty.

2008-08-03T23:58:00.001-05:00

Well, now I'm just fucking pissed.

one hundred & fifty nine.

2008-08-03T21:52:00.001-05:00

Is it unfair of me to be mad because I haven't gotten an e-mail or anything yet? I mean... what if he's not home, or he hasn't had a chance? But what if he is home and he jus hasn't? This is stupid.

one hundred & fifty seven.

2008-07-30T01:48:00.002-05:00

Why is it that every time he tries to make me feel better I just feel worse? It's like I'm fishing for a compliment because I know I'm not worth them in the first place, and I know he's mad at himself for it about twenty miles from here, and it's my fault again.

Solution: Hide. Like I always do. When I hide, he can't see me cry, and when I hide, he can't know what I really feel.

one hundred & fifty seven.

2008-07-29T20:05:00.003-05:00

It's strange how being in a relationship makes me think about things I never would've before. Before, I would've told them all right away about what I'm doing (shhhh I'm not telling!) this fall, but now, I have a secret from them, but also from him. I keep thinking about other things, too, like what I'm actually going to do when I get older and where I'm going to go and such. Before, it was just... I'm going to an out-of-state university. I'm going into archaeology and anthropology. After that, I don't know.

Now, I know. Well, more anyway. Now it's things I wouldn't have wanted about a year ago. Now, it's stuff like husband and children and steady job. Well, okay. I've always wanted a steady job. But now it's more like a job that doesn't make me move all over the world, even though that would be pretty sweet, too; but now, I really want to be stable.

I've been thinking about stuff a lot (I've had a lot of time over the past month or so). Maybe things will change again, but I kind of like it like this.

one hundred & fifty six.

2008-07-26T18:08:00.002-05:00

How crap is this?

The Mac PC my dad's family has at Grandma's house 1) screws with all the google stuff so there's no formatting and 2) doesn't recognize the heart navs as clickable links so that when I preview my blog, all I can see is the intro screen.

Good god.

I'll be coming home tomorrow. I'm excited to be home again. I really want to go swimming pretty much right away when I get bacck. I wonder if Devon can come with me some day? Maybe we'll get our entire group to go...

Hmm.

one hundred & fifty five.

2008-07-24T14:56:00.003-05:00

We're leaving for Detroit tonight... God I really don't want to leave again. I really don't want to drive, either. But I guess I have to.

I want to take my iPod and update it and everything, but John has it on Shuffle out in the kitchen. I know it's mine but I don't want to like just take it from him. Oh well. I'll do it later. Dad says we're not leaving until 8:00 anyway.

Whatever.

I should still be doing some stuff on this layout but god I just don't have the motivation.